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It's been two days locked up inside. Occasionally I'll hear a couple knocks. I'm not sure if it's actually anyone or just me again. Suprised faces and slender hands prying through the long crack in the wood. Pacing. Pace side to side. Steadily raining. It's been three days locked up inside. Blinds drawn. I can feel my back moving up and down from across the room. Echoes. Eyelids squeezed shut so I can't open them. I don't want to look at anything while it's still visible during the day. I don't want to be reminded of you. Locked away in the closet is the only piece of you that remains with me to this day. Passenger seat. You smile when I come to greet you and the taste of prevalent loss of hope rubs against my lips, permanently stuck to my tongue. Who knew such a feeling could be tackled down to a taste in my mouth. But even here in this car with you, my plans and state of mind spread like wild fire without you ever knowing. There are endless ways to die. I've thought of 28 ways you'd be responsible. The first five miles we put away. But we arrive and I've stopped looking at the dash. I have taken my share of swigs off of your four dollars worth. Walk. I feel so unsubstantial as I walk beside you. I'm somewhere else. I'm elsewhere. I swear this is worth every doubt I've had. I swear this won't break me in the end. But It does. It's been four days locked up inside. Cloudy thoughts that correspond with the few shades of sunlight that struggled to come through across the room. Gripping my stomach as I keep watching myself undo what has been done, reversing actions in my head for the sake of knowing I will not cope. I refuse. I reuse every excuse to stay there longer. It's been five days locked up inside. Beneath my body is friction. Running my hands up and down the matress, holding tightly to any imperfection I can find in this bed. I hope to god I come out alive.
November 14th, 2008
sadSo, I stopped writing in this a while ago and yes.. I am sorry about it. It's not like I got insanely busy or some shit. I know some people actually read this whenever I updated and actually took the time to comment and talk about things so lets rekindle our livejournal fucking flame. This is way too sarcastic for how I usually go about things via internet but, It's 3am and this is my mood.
Recently:
I'm leaving for Maine on Saturday and staying there for a week. I'm actually excited to come home and visit for a little bit. A lot of people have asked to hangout and actually do something, which is awesome.
Victoria is coming too but she's actually staying in Maine when I come back to Tennessee. It's going to be hard to transition from "being alone" to "being with victoria" back to "being alone" again. I am a very unstable person, as you already fucking know, and I've realized recently how dependent I've become on Victoria to make me a happy person in general. Therefore, I see this as a good thing rather than a bad thing. We all know Victoria will eventually come home to me and by then we'll just go somewhere else rather than Tennessee.
Tennessee is actually been really okay. I just recently got a serving job at Steak n Shake, which kinds of sucks but, I seriously had to start somewhere. It's really been a good thing because I have no experience in working at a restaurant what so ever so I feel as if I can fuck up and not feel so pressured. It would have been real hard to start off at nicer restaurants that I had interviews with. Whatever makes me money currently is completely okay with me.
My dad: Things have been a bit better since I moved here to TN. We talk on the phone almost every day and he actually tells me he loves me. I feel as if so many kids take that kind of thing from their parents for granted. You never realize what you lose until it's gone. Hearing my dad say he loves me, even if it's at the end of the conversation, makes me feel like his daughter again. We still argue. He still is completely negative about everything, but overall it's been better.
A good example:
Just a day ago I told him about my recent job I got at S&S and how I'd be home for a week. I didn't know at the time that I wouldn't be staying long enough for Thanksgiving. I called him today after I sorted things out completely and told him I couldn't stay longer for Thanksgiving because of my new job and how they already are letting me take a week off even though I've had just two days of training and nothing else. He continued to tell me it was okay and didn't seem like it mattered. The next morning I wake up and check my phone and I have a text message that says "I wish you could stay for thanksgiving". I called him after I read the text message and we talked for a bit. He then asked again why I couldn't stay for Thanksgiving and started in on the guilt trips he hands out weekly. We argued for a bit about it and of course the same cycle of "me being right so now dad needs to pull out ANY negative thing about my life currently right then and there in that single conversation that orginally had NOTHING to do with what dad is about to say but somehow it will help him be right when we both know, he has nothing" bullshit. Does this make sense to anyone? Maybe you need to understand his personality a bit more.
I got a phone by the way. 1 207 756 4948.
I can't think of much else to say right now.
Maybe that my hair is getting longer?
I remembered...
I'm sick of Westbrook. I'm sick of everyone from Westbrook. How is this possible if I don't even live in Westbrook? I don't get how people I spent three years with, people I was sure I would graduate with, people who i've had amazing memories with when I was younger.. can still talk shit about me and not even be happy for me and the way my life has turned around. I know the answer. It's because you're all stuck in you're pathetic high school mentality and you can't shake the idea that maybe I'm really not coming back.
All I want right now is to be surrounded by nothing but positive people who have my best interest at heart.
All I want right now is to not be lonely.
All I want right now is to feel secure in whatever I chose to do currently.
I just really need someone who wants to know what I'm thinking.
I think going to Maine for a week will be a really good thing for me right now.
I've just been real sad for a while but I'll come out of it.
mellowNovember 9th, 2008
November 5th, 2008
Yea I'm happy. Yes Obama isn't nearly as progressive as I'd like, but damn I really feel good about this win. I know he isn't going to save us from destroying ourselves, but I can't help but be really fucking happy for a minute here.
Plus I am just loving seeing all the sore loser right wingers right now. It's a beautiful thing.
Plus I am just loving seeing all the sore loser right wingers right now. It's a beautiful thing.
November 4th, 2008
I'm calling it Obama. This is about 30 mins before I thought I'd be able to safely call it.
